Moment the spark went from my eyes & was replaced with darkness & fear, was when I died inside.
Still meandered in this empty vessel trying to get life
back into my darkness.
Surrounded by so many people
Yet so alone!
Moment the spark went from my eyes & was replaced with darkness & fear, was when I died inside. Still meandered in this empty vessel trying to get life back into my darkness. Surrounded by so many people Yet so alone!
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PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
In my own words... I'll try to explain what it does to me. When a person gets a fright they jump, nerves go all jittery. Heart races... you got into fight flight fear mode. when you realise there's no danger.... you calm yourself down. When someone with PTSD gets a fright. We go into same fight flight fear mode. We have no way of coming back out of that mode... We can't shut down & calm down. We've never felt safe... We get very tired as always on red alert. If we get a fright we can't function properly. I get a trigger from my childhood. It could be a simple smell... a scent of a flower. I'm taken right back to the occasion it happened & the panic builds. The traumatised child is always with me. I try so hard just to be normal. I'm trying to learn all lifes skills but with all this disruption in my head it's difficult. I have to shut myself away from all human interaction sometimes, as head just can't take anymore. I'm doing therapy to try & deal with some of it, but even that is overwhelming at times. The choices are too much at times. Never being taught the simple things in life then functioning for years just on auto pilot. I feel like my whole life has just flashed before me. No one there to hear my cries for help. No win situation? Time will tell... I have enough hope & courage to keep trying. Start again in ms dos... If only! “Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person
apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” --Sara Paddison “We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves” --Joshua Loth Liebman "If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?" --Dolores Huerta "The supreme act of courage is that of forgiving ourselves. That which I was not but could have been. That which I would have done but did not do. Can I find the fortitude to remember in truth, to understand, to submit, to forgive and to be free to move on in time?" --Kauffman A man spit in the face of the Buddha. The next day he came to the Buddha and begged his forgiveness. “I cannot forgive you,” said the Buddha. “For the man whose face in which you spit yesterday is long gone and the man who spit in that man’s face has also passed on. Today we are both different people. Let us greet each other anew. Abuse isn't a layer we can peel off whenever we want it's stuck with us for life.
We have a life sentence its how we cope that makes the difference. I want to try and make hte world understand how a day in a survivors shoes feels. You go to sleep traumatised confused unable to relax. sleep deprivation has to be one of our biggest hurdles, then theres our biggest enemy. Memory. We get what we term triggers it can be a smell a colour a vision almost anything, can take us back to a moment in time where we become that vulnerable, lost child again. We get up in the morning choices start, do we hide under the pillow to close out the world, or do we chose to get up and face the day. Facing the world itself is a daily battle as we have to put on the coping face... now that one tires you out as it takes a lot to keep up the facade "i'm coping", as we all have very difficult periods where we arent coping, but we dont want others thinking ... here we go again so we withdraw. Why? so we dont burden others and become a nuisance.. why do we bother, because we matter. we did not cause the damage someone came into our innocence and stole it, they cast us aside like broken dollies. we have to try and find a way to fix ourselves... it's not easy. Is there such a thing as a normal life... are there people out there that care, are there people out there that want to give us change... WHERE ARE YOU NOW? X Twisting fingers, stomach aches
Inner torment you can't mistake. There's no. Escape nowhere to hide Head is hurting from what's inside. Where's the switch to turn it all off You're the forgotten child let them scoff. You were left to rot under filed & forgotten They all expected you to be dead & rotten. You survived & are trying to make It through The least they could do is say sorry to you. I'm proud of the child that done so well Let them all rot in hell, Don't let them win don't let it blow Keep going & let the inner child grow. Nurture her wisely & look after you To yourself you should always be true. Irrespective of highs & lows
Doesn't matter energy grows Positive... Negative doesn't matter much You have to remain outwith it's clutch Create your own, remain the same Then your actions, are your own to blame. Misplaced anger misplaced fear
On & on another year. Here it comes there it goes Oops masks slipped I've let it show. So much sorrow so much pain It's enough to drive a child insane How I made it, I'll never know Now my inner child is beginning to grow. I've realised now I'm not to blame. I'll no longer hide my past with shame. Why indeed,
I ask why??? nobody knows The inner torment grows,& grows. No answers. no clues, Try walking a mile in my shoes. Where does it take me,when does it end? I only want my heart, & soul to mend. The little girl within has learned to cry, A piece of me has begun to die. I'm hoping it's all the torment, Im staring to lose I want a life, it's what I chose! No one ever asks to be abused. This is AWESOME ... something we should all remember. A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.' 'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied. Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. 'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank. I am still depositing. 'Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less.
"The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails." ~ William Arthur Ward There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment. The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall. Moral: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come sometime or later. |
Liz HereJust to break the ice... to say hello. I will try and update this as i go along, as you've probably gathered by now, i'm not a proffesional at this. I am doing it to keep myslef busy and to keep you company so together we will make it through the dark times. Does that sound fair enough to you?. Please stay a while and browse... I have added a few links that may be of use to you. liz x Archives
March 2019
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