I seem to do 1 step forward then 2 back. If determination & sheer willpower were anything to be judged by, I would be sitting here intact.
The dark is back. I've started writing again as all the memories are jumbled in my head. I seem to keep fighting to have a normal life & try to be happy for the children as i am determined to break this cycle. The kids are all fab. I look at them & am delighted at the decision that was made to move. They are all so happy which does give me some form of comfort that i was able to do that for them.
I just wonder why there is no support network for me. I wonder am i reaching to the wrong places? or do they just not want to know?...
I thought we all mattered.
The darkness is the worst of all the trauma as it saps your energy, your hopes everything. I am trying so hard. I don't want pity I want help to fix what they broke.

It's been a while. I didn't want to come on whilst my head was all over the place. I was on a lot of medication before my surgery. I wasn't coping very well.
 I got the operation which was a success. The adhesions were divided & my bowel was freed from my tummy wall with only a little tear. I'm on week Five of recovery as I had to have the old wound re opened, the surgeon was initially going to do laporoscopic surgery. He went in with the camera, realised too much work needed done, so... re opened the old wound which goes from my ribcage to my pubic bone. Recovery is taking me so much longer than expected, as that's the fifth time the scar has been opened. I am struggling with the recovery, though the surgeon has done an amazing job. It's so hard not being able to do what i want to... I can eat again. I now understand how it feels to be reliant totally upon others... not nice, at all. Please take an extra bit of time & effort, if anyone is struggling help them out as it's difficult to keep asking. I don't know if it was just me but i find that I was trapped in a horrid place. I couldn't do things for myself, yet everyone around me was so busy i didn't want to burden them by asking for help. It's a dreadful place to be.
 I now see a bit of light as am gaining strength.
I have also to have my PTSD (post traumatic stressdisorder) counselling. I have to be fully fit & off all meds before i do that, sounds like mission impossible for now. I have enough determination to try & keep it in my sights.
Next on the agenda is to have a small hernia removed which i woke with after surgery (blessing in disguise) it slowed me down as it's right under my left rib. it's about the size of a tennis ball & gets mighty uncomfortable if i try to do too much.
I go back to see about that after christmas.
I'm then having the spinal injection, no more ops for me. I thought i had sciatica for yrs & managed, so i'm sure i'll do just grand with a jab for the pain.
The kids are all back at school. Fabulous as saves me trying to chase them around.
Just wanted to do an update to let you all know where i'm at for now.
So many people have been asking after me about my health so wanted them to have the facts. Chinese whispers are amazing huh...
Before I leave I will update you on my psychotherapy session. I was told all I need is my PTSD treated, so relieved..
That is all... till next time
Love & light to all of you Liz x