Inside there's a deep empty void
Trying to fill it just makes me annoyed.
This little Raggy doll wants life & love
I pray awful hard 
That bitterness & hurt, are shown the red card.
someone... maybe heaven, may take notice above
How do I find it, when no one has shown it to me
these old chains how do I break free...

I often wonder where I would be,
If someone had shown some love to me.
As a child I wanted to blend in, be the same,
My father was intent on playing his game.
I would cower down Under a chair,
Trying to pretend I wasn't there!
He'd find me, he'd beat me.. till I was black & blue,
Keeping his evil secret making me feel untrue.
Who could help me... I reached out I cried,
Every night I wished I had died.
The pain inside, the hurt is always there,
It transpired there's no one who cared.
I craved love & attention to feel I belonged,
Instead  as a child I was hurt. I was wronged!
To have it re enforced you are under his spell,
Will I ever break free... Time will tell!

I've had enough, I'm hurting too much the towels gone in,
Even though I know, it's an earthly sin.
I'm thinking how to end it how I should go?
That old feelings back of I told you so.
I felt a failure before I began to live,
I'm too tired now. I have nothing to give.
Im a guest on earth, should count my blessings instead of  woe.
I feel it's my time. I'm broken & I want  to go.
You're supposed to keep on going, no matter how tough life gets,
The amount if times I've been in this place... full of many regrets.
I know there are so many worse off than me
I'm alive I should be grateful but I wish the blind could see.
I'm surrounded by people but always alone, 
Whilst I'm in my tunnel zone.
Trauma is not an illness make no mistake,
It's a way  of life of where I'll never awake.
I want to shut it down make it go  away,
In my head all those memories stay!
I want to detach & help it  forget,
The people around me won't let me go yet.

Missing you
I'll never forget the good times we had,
My darling brother, a sweet little lad.
We shared an awful lot of pain &sadness.
Our childhood lives were filled with madness.
I now know you're somewhere safe
Hopefully in mothers embrace.
My heart's filled with love, my eyes with tears,
For all of the stolen years.
I want you here. You were taken away,
I promise you one thing in my heart you'll. Stay.
I'll love you forever, the pain won't stop ever,
You were taken from us & it still makes me shiver.
I saw your young body lie still,on that couch that day.
The vision in my head is there to stay.
I couldn't believe your life was over, I cried for me
If I'm honest to myself I'm glad you're now set free.
The horrors we lived, were alive in your head
Now that you're gone, you can rest instead.
I will love you forever my sweet little brother
Whilst you  rest  please give a hug to our mother.

My nerves jangle. My insides shake
I hurt inside, its breaking my heart
I've tried everything possible to  take it away.
I've made a big decision today.
I know it's wrong, It will  hurt many others,
I can't forget & bury my head under the covers.
The  day goes on but mines shall end,
I can't go on I can't pretend.
I only keep  going for the sake of hurting others!
I feel selfish because I've made this  choice
I sincerely hope others understand,
I have to go as have now lost my  voice.
I tried to stay longer whilst holding their hand.
They made me feel  wanted walking on dead
land.

Moment the spark went from my eyes & was replaced with darkness & fear, was when I died inside.
Still meandered in this empty vessel trying to get life
back into my  darkness.

Surrounded by so many people
Yet so alone!

PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)
In my own words...
I'll try to explain what it does to me.
When a person gets a fright they jump, nerves go
all jittery. Heart races... you got into fight flight fear mode.
when you realise there's no danger.... you calm yourself down.

When someone with PTSD
gets a fright. We go into same fight flight fear mode. We have no way of coming back out of that mode... We can't shut down & calm down.
We've never felt safe...
We get very tired as always on red alert. If we get a
fright we can't function properly.
I get a trigger from my childhood. It could be a simple smell... a scent of a flower.
I'm taken right back to the occasion it happened & the panic builds.
The traumatised child is always with me. I try so hard just to be normal.
I'm trying to learn all lifes skills but with all this disruption in my head it's difficult.
I have to shut myself away from all human interaction sometimes, as head just can't take anymore.
I'm doing therapy to try & deal with some of it, but even that is overwhelming at times.
The choices are too much at times. Never being taught the simple things in life then functioning for years just on auto pilot. I feel like my whole life has just flashed before me. No one there to hear my cries for help.
No win situation? Time will tell... I have enough hope & courage to keep trying.


Start again in ms dos... If only!

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person
apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you.
Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and
time.” --Sara Paddison



“We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not
only of others but also of ourselves” --Joshua Loth Liebman



"If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?"
--Dolores Huerta



"The supreme act of courage is that of forgiving ourselves.
That
which I was not but could have been.
That which I would have done but did
not do.
Can I find the fortitude to remember in truth,
to understand, to
submit, to forgive
and to be free to move on in time?" --Kauffman



A man spit in the face of the Buddha. The next day he came to the Buddha
and begged his forgiveness. “I cannot forgive you,” said the Buddha. “For the
man whose face in which you spit yesterday is long gone and the man who spit in
that man’s face has also passed on. Today we are both different people. Let us
greet each other anew.

Abuse isn't a layer we can peel off whenever we want it's stuck with us for life.
We have a life sentence its how we cope that makes the difference.
 I want to try and make hte world understand how a day in a survivors shoes feels.
You go to sleep traumatised confused unable to relax.
sleep deprivation has to be one of our biggest hurdles, then theres our biggest enemy. Memory.
We get what we term triggers it can be a smell a colour a vision almost anything, can take us back to a moment in time where we become that vulnerable, lost child again.
We get up in the morning choices start, do we hide under the pillow to close out the world, or do we chose to get up and face the  day.
Facing the world itself is a daily battle as we have to put on the coping face... now that one tires you out as it takes a lot to keep up the facade "i'm coping", as we all have very
difficult periods where we arent coping, but we dont want others thinking ... here we go again so we withdraw. Why? so we dont burden others and become a nuisance..
why do we bother, because we matter. we  did not cause the
damage someone came into our innocence and stole it, they cast us aside like broken dollies.
we have to try and find a way to fix ourselves... it's not easy.
Is there such a thing as a normal life... are there people out there that care, are there people out there that want to give us change...
WHERE ARE YOU NOW? X