I wonder how it feels to be truly in love, does it really exist
Is there someone that puts you before them makes my eyes mist.
Wondering if there's someone, who'll act like a mother to her child,
Is there ever a person that will treat you, as if you make their heart go wild.
Will there ever be someone, who sees the real me?
Sees that she's worthy of real love for free!
I can live in hope & meantime stay true to me,
Smile to myself, as the fools to blind to see.
I'm a genuine person & have a heart of gold,
I'm beginning to live, I'm getting a bit bold.
I'm expecting someone to look into my eyes,
See past the hurt & be really wise. 
The healing of my inner child has begun, 
I'm looking for real love & I'm looking for fun!

Sitting here thinking of times that we shared 
Actually believing that you really cared 
I really thought is found someone true
I thought that special someone was you.
How wrong was I to have given you my love
You only want to hurt me such a shame,
You were a player & you were playing your game
Little did you know, I've been here before,
I watched you in silence.. as you kept your score.
I wanted to believe you were different from the rest,
You're a sure disappointment, I wasn't impressed. 
You'll never get anywhere, your type never do,
Little do you realise the loser is you!

Isn't it funny how our  life pans out,
There's a map we can't see, without a doubt.
there are things that happen which we cannot stop 
It's to see how we react, to see if we can come out on top. 
Obstacles in our paths, we have no way of moving,
If we put a foot wrong they're always disapproving.
Give us a chance, give us a break, 
You have no idea of our heartache.
We want a happy life just like you, 
Instead survivors become just a few.
Most stay victims, the rules of life are hard, 
We haven't been taught simple rules of the heart. 
Our lives got stopped, paused at the brain of a child hurt & lost,
Trying to learn to live again is sometimes an unhealthy cost. 
We have to re live the trauma again & find a way
To want to live another day!

I've been diagnosed as having a very narrow spine, spinal stenosis.
I go into hospital on the 7th of November to have a spinal decompression & coflex stabilisation (a titanium implant inserted) & hydrocortisone injection to the coccyx. The spinal injections for the pain didn't work. 
I tore ligaments & tendons in my shoulder with being stubborn & using a walking stick instead of the chair. I got a hydrocortisone injection in that & it didn't work either.
I'm not guaranteed anything from the surgery but it can't be anywhere near the pain I'm enduring at the moment.
I'm on high doses of morphine with a cocktail of medicines. 
I've still got the hernias but they can be dealt with later... I hope!
I don't ave any hormones in my body & can't start HRT until i've had my surgery. 
Looking forward to a bit of light in the future....
I can eat after my last surgery so there's a plus to everything!
The scar from last years op is healing nicely...
Still the eternal optimist!

Today I turned a corner, I realised life's mine,
I stopped worrying about others & now I feel fine.
I have choices, I'm making them, I like what I see
I was conditioned to think you don't matter, I'm breaking free.
I spent my life putting others first. I didn't come into the equation,
As I feel life come back, I'm filled with elation.
What others wanted was always on my mind. 
I didn't matter but I was blind!
I never stopped to think of how to fix little me.
I would be stronger now if I'd stopped  & broke free. 
Life is so beautiful as I see things more clearly,
I'm going to deal with me now & kick ass severely.
It's my turn to live.. Feel the wind in my hair,
I've embraced the inner child & I've started to care.
Forget that old life. Repair me & live at last,
Start smiling for real & throw away that old mask!

Sitting here listening to the rusting of the leaves,
Trying to keep my mind at ease.
Trying to work out where it went wrong,
How my life's like one long sad song.
On & on my mind races trying to work it all out, 
Where's the stop button I want to scream & shout. 
This lost lonely feeling just  never goes away, 
It's the lost lonely child buried inside where she's destined to stay. 
I tried to fix her but I couldn't see 
I don't have the tools to help her break free.
I look at her somedays so lost, alone & sad.
I sit & ponder if she'd had help, life wouldn't be as bad. 
I sit & comfort her as much as I can her life should start,
Every time I go back it's breaking my heart. 
The terror the torture that's in that child's mind,
Makes me so cross that they were so blind.
I'm sitting with her now & all I can say
Is" little Lizzie you & I will be re united  some  day".
She's a patient little soul, she's waited so long,
I can't wait to be united & as one we'll be strong.

I've stopped to look, they walked past you,
That's what society have taught me to do.
You're covered in bruises they chose not to see,
You're dishevelled & saddened I cannot believe.
The hair on your heads matted to neglected degree,
Your trying to look tidy... That I can see, 
You're certainly not what a young child should be...
That look in your eyes says I want to run free.
You look angry & lost, with that look in your eye,
Its telling me I don't want to be here, I just want to die.
You're like a sad cornered wild animal, scared & confused. 
I want to reach in & help you but you've been too badly abused.
You tried to reach out, they sent you away,
The child's trapped in your mind, that's where she shall stay.
I hope I can fix you, as everyone let you down too many times,
You were a child, you reached out but they crossed the line!
I've returned too late to help, that makes me sad,
I'd like to change the past it would make me so glad. 
That little girl so lost & alone. It was my job to keep her strong.
I was too busy looking after others, now I know that was wrong.
I should have encouraged her & told her she was right from the start,
Now I'm looking at a damaged broken heart.
Where shall I turn too,  what shall I do,
I promise you one thing... I'll try to help you.

I was told to forget what happened & go home you're wrong,
Look after the boys & your mother it's where you belong.
I'm a child I don't want to, I told them can't  you see, 
They took me to see you, I tried to break free
I ran away... I couldn't take anymore,
My head was hurting as you, had made me sore.
I was still being beaten, i was still looking after the boys, 
I just wanted to join my friends & play with toys.
I couldn't take anymore Ive always confessed,
I told you the truth, his sins we addressed.
My wee body wanted to rest, it was exhausted in every way,
I was a young child i just wanted to play.
I wanted some time... to sort little me,
I'd always been strong, I just had to be.
I told my mum we got you put in jail
They took me to see you they continued to fail.
This Childs safety doesn't matter we can't see a bruise,
She may have shown us them, not to see; that's  what we chose.
Take her to see her abuser in jail. We've nothing to lose,
Shes well conditioned & accepted her life of abuse.
He'll deal with her. She's his puppet, shell come undone, 
He'll send her back home our job is done. 
She does what she's told she's a child  & has no choice,
We will ensure & help re enforce  that she has no voice.
let's write it in her notes then go have some fun.
Alcoholic mother & the abusive son 
She can nurture her siblings, she doesn't matter!
Excuse me sir, I'm me! I disagree with the latter!

You said you cared, I started to believe
Once again let down you were good at deceive
It felt nice when I thought it was genuine care,
I've reached out forever & no one was there.
You told me to trust you, you told me you cared,
You knew I was vulnerable  & terribly scared.
You built up my hopes & built up my trust,
Building me up, the let down was my worst.
I'll never believe in anyone again with my heart
You & I should certainly depart.

When your backs against the wall I see the true you,
Your real personality starts to break through. 
Some people are kind some are mean, 
Some have traits that should never be seen.
To attack someone vulnerable, when  your feeling low, 
It's the worst you could do, it's an evil nasty blow.
Stop take stock of what's inside,
From yourself you can never hide!