It's taken me a long time to realise why I had trust issues... I wasn't the one with a problem, it was a reaction to things other people had done to me, I now understand... I trust my daughter, my son in law & grandkids... Why? They've never done anything for me to question what they do. No hidden agenda for their actions. I do have trust, I'm just very wary, as proven on many occasions it's something someone's actions towards me that have created me to worry. I have realised now that I can't change anyone. I just have to accept their actions are theirs to own & if they want to do something bad to me... I let them own it & walk away. Every days a learning day. I'm getting there.
It's been a while since I've been on here. Wriggles in seat & gets comfy, now where do I start... Head goes into overdrive, so much to say, I'll take it as it comes to me. ( mental note to self, remember to eat, as I eye up the chocolate cake). I've become that thin my bones in my butt are aching on the chair already. Need to eat the carbs... Any excuse to eat that cake huh! I'll wait till kids are home at lunchtime, as they finish school here in Malta at 1. Malta you ask? Yes my full family have settled here. My darling daughter kelly runs the family coffee shop, Jason works as a carpenter fitting windows & doors, Jnr & Cara are now settled in school in Malta & love it. Me... Well I'll give you a health update for now, I still suffer from my spinal stenosis, fibromyalgia, have some odd pains in my hands & feet now, persistent headaches which I've had checked & have been diagnosed with a melanoma in my brain, it's only 1/2 inch & not cancerous... My way of looking at it, at least they've found I have a brain.
I've been through a rather tough time, emotional roller-coaster, but I'm doing ok now. Got calls that I was needed to give evidence about historic events, freaked me right out, but person involved pled guilty & saved me from going through it all again. Albeit when you're faced with it again... Any mention of the past takes you right back to traumatic state, not nice at all. I've been stuck in that place for a few years & it's been exhausting. I Have another officer trying to get me to give evidence & feel so torn. It's very unfair. I don't want to do this anymore, yet that makes me a hypocrite & goes against everything I stand for. Speaking out & being honest. ( I'll work it out).
There's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel too, as I've heard murmurs that the historic law I've been caught up in is finally changing, fingers x'd I finally get the closure I need.
Only thing that keeps the smile on my face is my little family & the little things I've done to help people in my life... Even if they do chose to forget. No one can take my memories from me... Ever! Some people have very short memories, but I remember it all & no matter how people try to twist the truth, it always has a way of seeping out, so I bite my tongue & wait for karma to do its job for me. It usually does, look at my life now. I believe it does work. Stay positive & keep thinking good, positive thoughts. Off for now, nana duties... Fun time kids have finished school, I have a cake with my name on it & dogs to take out to the park. Catch up soon. Hope you're all in a good place & I'm sorry for going off the grid for so long... Have a nice day! Liz x
Why couldn't I see who he was, why was I so blind,
He stole my heart & I thought he was kind.
He played the game so well,
Then he tormented me.. Took me to hell.
I still loved him with my heart & soul & very being,
Which made me blind & stopped me from seeing.
The games he played were wicked, cruel & bad.
I've been left feeling lost, hurt & sad.
Picking myself back up from this one... Will take a while,
He's taken my strength, my warmth, my smile.
Will it be possible to find my way?
Of course you can... I hear you say.
Try... Just one day in my shoes,
To be in this place... I didn't chose.
I've got the will, but can I find the strength again,
I need to find energy & I've a life to regain.
I can't let him destroy the life I've built,
I return his negativity & carry no guilt!
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Rough idea on what book 2 is about!
Speaking out aged 12 & What happened.
Getting social work reports in my 30's. going to see a solicitor.
My journey through the legal system! My day at criminal injuries & the outcome. How my case was sisted after over 3 years.
My meetings with politicians, to change a historic law!
Does anyone hear a survivor... do they want to!
Along with poetry, all social work reports & legal documents & my own slant on how it made me feel!
I had the surgery to free my small intestine ( large intestine has already been removed) from my tummy wall, as it was stuck with adhesions. The operation was a success, as I can eat again. I'm left with hernias from the surgery, which I am attending hospital about in Nov this year.
I had the titanium spring inserted in my spine & I can walk again. My leg gives way now & then, but I'm thankful I can walk. Still in an enormous amount of pain though. They've discovered I need a disc fusion as there's a tear in the disc, that's allowed small nerves to grow through, & they are creating nerve pain in both arms, hands, legs & feet.
My P.T.S.D ( post traumatic stress disorder) is classed as chronic. I'm attending therapy for this & it's going really well. They are trying to eliminate some of my triggers, & are teaching me what I was conditioned to think, & feel as a child. It isn't easy, but I am determined that I will do this.
I'm optimistic that I have a brighter future.
Sitting with my family, my life isn't easy,
Watching tv, triggers take over... it makes me queezy.
Can't switch my mind off, it hurts my head,
My heart bleeds, as part of me is dead.
I wish I had something to cut out the pain,
Something to help me to live again.
Why can't people hear me ...I told the truth! Can't you see.
I want out of here, cant take the pain, i want to break free.
theres no running from your inner self & the hurt,
Show me the way, I don't mean to be curt.
Don't I matter? I need to know.
I can hear my dad now "I told you so".
A flicker of life, I build up some hope
The Therapy's helping, I'm starting to cope.
The downside is home time ... Triggers are there,
Can I beat this. Should I dare.
I'm building up confidence, starting to trust,
Fear of crashing but my heart says I must.
Pouring my heart out again, trying so hard to get well,
Will it work... Only time will tell.
Children crying from behind the thick glass,
They see us, they watch us, they continue to pass.
They take notes, they watch us & continue to stare,
I want them to help me, they make me feel bare.
Why can't they see the pain in my eyes,
The hurt that was caused by my fathers web of lies.
Smash the glass, listen to me,
Stop it now, there are more behind me.
Abuse tortures our heart & our souls,
Help us please, your acting like ghouls.
Don't keep looking, reach in & see!
I'm a person, I matter, I'm trying to be me.
I gave birth to a daughter, she means everything to me,
I've left something behind that's beautiful, I'm free.
The chains of abuse I take when I go,
My daughter & her children will continue to grow.
I know in my heart I did the best I could do
I tried my best, I didn't have a clue.
No one taught me how to love or care,
I had nothing to work with nothing to compare.
I gave her my love, my time & nurtured her well.
How will she turn out? Time will tell.
Dear little Lizzie, you did nothing wrong.
You tried to speak out your voice wasn't strong.
They tore you apart, you were beaten & abused,
You were hurt & yes you felt used.
They didn't care enough to see,
The childhood they took.., will never be.
It can't be replaced, it has gone forever,
A new life can't be made, they can't deliver.
Later on you tried to reach out again,
All they delivered was a lot more pain.
Why didn't they see, what they had done,
You could have grown & You're life would have begun.